How do you define bullying?
Another person making advances on someone who he or she feels is inferior to them.

How do you know when you see bullying?
When a person physically or mentally obuses another person thought violence, verbal or cyber and attacks the other person character or being.

Have you ever been bullied? If so, could you share what happened?
Yes. I was bullied my entire childhood for being gay, Jewish and just ‘different’. I was physically and mentally abused most of my Elementary, Junior High and High School. I was passed along on a school bus like I was a football, hit in the face, teased, my house was dirt bombed, my self esteem was gone. But the worst was when someone scraped the word “Fag” lightly on my locker with a nail, and I saw it everyday in Junior High. Never said a word to anyone about until I was 30 years old.

What do you think is the scariest thing about being bullied?
The fear of violence. The humiliation from bullying as a child and teenager stays with you even as you are growing up.

So much of your career has been as a actor and comedian. How would you say humor helps deal with aggressive bullies who have no self awareness or don’t seem to care who they hurt?
It keep them at bay. I made the joke first so they could not hurt me. But it still did hurt. As an adult, you have to learn to communicate with people and learn that being funny or a working actor is not the only way to get people to like you. Sometimes, they just like you for who you are as a person.

Do you think bullies can change? If so, any ideas how?
Yes. It’s like if you could go back in time with your adult self and talk to your teenage self and put your arm around him and let him know, “It shall pass. This will not define you. You will survive it.”

You have a role as a plantation owner in the film biopic of Nat Turner, Birth of a Nation. What was it like portraying a character whose behavior is so abhorrent?
I did not think of anything else but my character’s needs and wants. I only read the script once or twice but I did a lot of research. When I saw the film, even I was shocked at what my character caused. It made me cry and get angry at the atrocities of what we have done to others in the human race.

How do you feel roles like this prompt discussion in establishing greater empathy?
It’s a gift to be a part of a film that will change the perspective of the way we look at slavery. The film is from filmmaker Nate Parker’s years of research and his soul. With that said, the story will be told from a whole new line of thinking: the African-American point of view.

Your web series Mentor got a lot of great reviews. Not many people talk about aging in the LGBT world, but do you feel like community spaces are welcoming to more mature individuals? How could they be more so?
We need to include stories of people over 40 and 50 in more prominent roles. We need to be inclusive and pen to the idea that people are interested in history and age. Meryl Steep said it best on “60 Minutes” a few years ago. She said, “We told people over 50 not to go to the movies, that there was nothing for them.” That’s just not true. We treat straight, white, heterosexual, Christian-appearing men with privilege. We let them in first in all walks of life while the rest of us wait in line for our turn. Those men don’t wait in line: they just walk in. The rest of us need to do that, too.

If you could do one thing to stop all bullying, what would you do?
Talk, discuss, make consequences for their actions. You do not have to name call and attack people to get your point across. But you can state the facts and ask the other side for their opinion. Listen, breathe and be respectful. Even if you disagree.

---

Jason Stuart is one of entertainment industry’s most prolific character actors, who’s also an outrageous openly gay stand-up comedian. He has close to 200 film & TV shows to his credit, including this year’s, The Birth Of A Nation by filmmaker Nate Parker. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.

Photo by Kevin Mcintyre

When a person loses a loved one to suicide, the effects differ from other forms of loss. Suicide is an intentional action taken by a person who no longer felt the desire to live, although unfortunately these decisions are often made during extreme emotional distress. When you learn that someone you love was in enough pain to commit suicide, the experience of grief can be unique compared to that felt following the loss of a loved one to an illness or other cause of death.

Unfortunately, losing a loved one to suicide also leads to feelings of guilt as survivors contemplate whether or not they could have prevented this tragedy. Support from friends and family is crucial in recovery from the death of a loved one. Here are a few ways you can support someone who has lost a loved one to suicide.

---

1. Keep Them Social

Social withdrawal and depression are common responses to a suicide. Unfortunately, these are also the responses that foster suicide in the family members. People who have lost someone they care about to suicide are more likely to attempt suicide themselves and social isolation is a very common risk factor. So, to prevent further tragedy, keep the person social to a degree. Don’t force them to go to a party or club but do try to get them to talk, see other people, and do relaxing activities.

Yoga, walking, and hiking are all great options for keeping a person active and prevent withdrawal. You may even want to consider pet therapy. Spending time with loving animals has been shown to alleviate symptoms of depression and anxiety.

2. Foster Open Communication

Suicide is a taboo topic in Western society, making it difficult for people who have lost someone to suicide to talk about their grief. Talking about emotions is very important when coping with a highly emotional event such as suicide. Loved ones of the deceased often feel guilt, many times blaming themselves for not recognizing the warning signs and taking action to stop their loved one from following through.

It is important that these feelings of guilt are not internalized. Many suicides occur because the person did not get the professional help they needed for an underlying issue such as depression, alcohol abuse or drug addiction. These are things an untrained person could not be expected to recognize or treat.

3. Learn What You Should NOT Say

It is very common for well-meaning people to say the wrong thing and make the loss even harder. You should do a little research, reading other people’s experiences and what did and didn’t help. You should never try to trivialize the loss with things like “Well, he had some problems.” The pain a loved one feels should not be shrugged off, regardless of the circumstances.

As tempting as it is, you should also avoid offering advice unless you are asked. Implying you have any understanding of what the person should do will not be received well. Even if you are also a suicide survivor, your experience is unique to you. While many survivors experience similar phases of grief, the grieving and recovery process is not identical for any two individuals. Wait for the person to ask for advice.

Avoid making negative statements about the person. Telling a loved one, “She chose to leave you,” helps no one and can make things much worse. There are a number of other potentially harmful remarks you could make, but instead, stick to the basics: “I’m sorry for your loss,” “He will be missed,” and, “How can I help?”

Supporting someone through the aftermath of a suicide can be awkward and uncomfortable. We as a culture prefer to avoid sensitive topics like mental health and suicide. However, if you want to help, you need to be willing to discuss the loss. You need to cultivate a calm, non-judgmental attitude and let the person know it is safe to talk to you. Get them out of the house, and be sure you know what NOT to say. In time, survivors with strong support systems are able to overcome the feelings of intense grief that follow the loss of a loved one and move forward, while still holding onto precious memories of those they have lost.

---

About the Expert

Steve Johnson co-created PublicHealthLibrary.org as part of a school project. He and a fellow pre-med student enjoyed working on the site so much that they decided to keep it going. Their goal is to make PublicHealthLibrary.org one of the go-to sources for health and medical information on the web.

---

The views or experiences expressed are solely those of the contributor or interview subject and do not represent the views of the Tyler Clementi Foundation, its staff or board. If you have any questions or concerns regarding the material, please contact the Tyler Clementi Foundation, and we appreciate your support and commitment to end bullying starting on #Day1.

Why is the issue of bullying important to you?
The issue of bullying is important to me because bullying is a non-negotiable behavior that inhibits the development of healthy relationships. Even though bullying can be insidious and sometimes go unreported, that doesn’t make it any less dangerous. I’ve seen the toxic, unhealthy and sometimes fatal consequences that occur when bullying invades our personal and professional relationships. The issue of bullying is important to me because I believe everyone deserves healthy relationships and I want to show people how to develop them. So when bullying, in any of its forms, prevents a healthy relationship, I will stand up against it. Ultimately, when we love one another as human beings, we create healthy personal and professional environments that bullying behaviors can no longer thrive in.

It feels like love is a tough thing to talk about for so many people. You have made it the centerpiece of your work and your life. How do you define love and why talk about it so much?
It’s difficult to define ‘Love,’ but if I have to give you a definition, I’ll share Eckhart Tolle’s definition which describes, “Love as a state of being.” I believe ‘Love’ is a host of actionable characteristics that demonstrate, in both our words and our actions, how we consider one another. The reason I talk a lot about love is because I know first-hand the transformative power love has on unearthing dysfunction and other unhealthy behaviors like bullying. I’ll continue to talk about love because I’ve also seen its transformative power in the lives of others. So ‘Love,’ when practiced to create a safe space for another human being to just be is the most prolific resource we have. And it’s free!

Have you ever encountered an experience where you were bullied? Can you share a little about that?


My most recent experience with bullying was in a professional setting where I was a new supervisor responsible for creating programs and systems to prepare my staff for a professional career in education. During my time there, I introduced a lot of new and innovative ways to engage one another and their students. Unfortunately, every initiative I introduced was ridiculed. My staff openly talked about me to each other, to their students and even complained to my supervisor that what I was introducing was useless. As you can imagine, I felt bullied and unappreciated, and it was impacting my health. I lost weight, and I suffered hair loss. When I sought out support and accountability for what I was experiencing, I did not receive a healthy resolution. So, I left the position.

How do you know when you see bullying?
When I witness a person being bullied, I usually see one person taking advantage of another person. A person who engages in bullying is usually a person who is struggling with some deficiency but prefers to ignore their own challenges to instead project anger onto another person. This person begins to believe that this misdirected anger will remedy their own hurt. The person being bullied is usually innocent and believes in the good of humanity but is hurt that their trust is being misused and are hurt that they are the focus of an unwarranted, negative attack. Unfortunately, the person being bullied is usually hesitant to vocalize their hurt and instead internalizes it. I know I see bullying when I see a person misdirecting their anger onto an innocent person.

How would you describe the difference between domestic abuse and being bullied by someone you are involved with romantically? Can bullying be a sign of worse things to come?
Domestic abuse is the physical manifestation of intimidation to maintain power or control of one’s partner. Whereas bullying, which is equally dangerous, is often times more subtle and can extend the entire life of an intimate relationship because there is no physical evidence of these incidents. It’s an unfortunate reality when bullying within romantic relationships, has become an acceptable behavior. I don’t believe bullying is necessarily a sign of worse things to come because bullying is already the “worse” thing to come. I also don’t believe domestic abuse is worse than bullying. They both are forms of abuse, but society has made domestic abuse a crime that’s punishable by law when in fact the effects of bullying can be equally if not more damaging than domestic abuse.

As part of When Love Works, you speak with employers about integrating empathy into their environments. How should someone in the workplace approach another person they might not get along with who has started being a bully?
In our work with employers and their employees, we encourage them to be Love Leaders in their work environment. We show them how to use our patented, yet practical tools to respond to and offset bullying behaviors. As the Love Leader, we teach you how to implement the 4As in response to your encounters with bullying or other non-negotiable behaviors.

I’ll share a brief overview of how the 4As response process works. The first two As in the 4As involves how to approach the person who is bullying. First, you must “Acknowledge the abusive behavior.” It’s important to name and acknowledge the specific bullying behavior. After you acknowledge it, then you Address the person in a calm way without any negativity or hostility in your tone. We call this step: “Address with the UnArmed Truth.” The third and fourth As are important because they highlight a pivotal moment in the interaction where you are creating a safe space for the person who is bullying you to remedy their actions by apologizing and creating steps of accountability for moving forward.

We practice each component of the 4As response with employers and employees using examples before they practice with one another. Then to increase their comfortability, we invite them to practice with real workplace scenarios. As we give feedback in the moment, we help them become more comfortable with their role as a Love Leader who in turn uses these tools to transform unhealthy workplace environments.

Do you think bullies can change?
I believe people are redeemable. So I believe people who have learned how to bully, can also unlearn how to bully. The key to whether a person can change is directly correlated to their openness and willingness to change. I believe anyone who is open to learn something new and different can change. Anyone who is willing to unlearn dysfunction and learn new and healthier ways of engaging people is redeemable.

What do you think we all should be doing to create safe space for people of different cultural, sexual or religious identities? What can we change the culture to do better?
I believe we are already doing some good work to create safe spaces for people of different cultures, sexual or religious identities as highlighted in platforms like The Tyler Clementi Foundation. The inclusion of diversity, equity and justice in classroom education and other platforms have also increased the dialogue about issues that plague many communities. However, I know we can do more. One of the things we can do improve the way we create safe spaces is move past the stage of open dialogue about this issue and in to the stage of connected accountability. If we want people of different cultural, sexual or religious identities to feel safe, then we have to be deliberate and intentional about these spaces. It is time for us to be held accountable for how we make people feel safe in their workplace, in their households of faith and in their schools. Then we have to find a way to connect the accountability across all these areas so there is consistent communication. We have to create inclusive advocacy boards who are committed to ensuring accountability. 
The only way we create more safe spaces is to do the work to reimagine ourselves as a part of a collective whole. Then, we can understand that there is no difference. We all deserve a safe space where we can just be.

How do you feel the words we use play a role in building or inhibiting community?
Words can play a vital role in building or inhibiting community because of their ability to leave impressions on its listeners. I don’t think anyone would disagree that if I were walking through a neighborhood where everyone used derogatory words toward me, that I’d be less likely to embrace that neighborhood as my community. In fact, I’d more than likely feel that I was different than everyone else. This example simply highlights the power our words have in including or excluding people. Unhealthy, toxic-laden words can have damaging, non-visible, but sometimes fatal impact on a person’s life. So if it’s our desire to build community then we have to give intentional thought to whether the words we use are building or inhibiting community development among our colleagues, our classmates and within our faith communities.

What do you do in your life each day to keep love at the center?
I have to be authentic in my love walk. It’s not a contrived practice of putting love at the center of my day. I am Love. This is one of the great benefits of doing this as a living. I get to know love, I get to embody love and I get to embrace love as I evolve daily toward being a love vessel. I start my day with gratitude affirmations which help me focus on who I love, what I love and why I love. Then, I go throughout my day doing the best I can to be a Love Leader in both my words and actions.

---

Elitia Mattox is a self-described “love vessel and healthy relationship advocate who believes in the transformative power of love because of my personal journey to overcome dysfunctional, relationship obstacles which spanned more than 25 years of my life.” She is a loving wife to Cullen and mother of three children. When not coaching, she enjoys traveling and connecting with her inner foodie. You can follow her on Twitter or find her at When Love Works Coaching on Facebook.

I was a freshman in college in 2006, when 18-year-olds across the country were discovering that their MacBooks came with cameras. One of them was Anna, who lived in my dorm and decided to use hers to spy on her roommate.

Anna’s roommate was shy and awkward; whenever I saw her, she was reading a book by herself in the dining hall. She became the butt of Anna and her friends’ jokes, which I occasionally overheard. I don’t know what compelled Anna to take it one step further – to record her roommate – but she did.

To her grotesque delight, she ended up with a recording of her roommate masturbating. She posted it on Facebook, enabling privacy settings that meant only a small number of her hometown friends could see it. A friend of mine overheard her bragging about it. None of us ever saw the video, which fortunately never seemed to spread beyond Anna’s group of friends.

At one point my friends and I discussed whether there was anything we could or should do about it. We ultimately decided that as much as we wanted Anna to be punished for what she did, it was best that her roommate never find out about it. As far as I know, she never did.
 
A few years later, when I heard about Tyler Clementi, I couldn’t help but think of Anna and her roommate. I hope Anna knows how much pain she almost caused her roommate, and how lucky she is that her roommate never found out about it.

---

Do you need information about cyberbullying? Find cyberbullying resources here to assist you or reach out to the Tyler Clementi Foundation directly for assistance.