Why is the issue of bullying important to you?
The issue of bullying is important to me because bullying is a non-negotiable behavior that inhibits the development of healthy relationships. Even though bullying can be insidious and sometimes go unreported, that doesn’t make it any less dangerous. I’ve seen the toxic, unhealthy and sometimes fatal consequences that occur when bullying invades our personal and professional relationships. The issue of bullying is important to me because I believe everyone deserves healthy relationships and I want to show people how to develop them. So when bullying, in any of its forms, prevents a healthy relationship, I will stand up against it. Ultimately, when we love one another as human beings, we create healthy personal and professional environments that bullying behaviors can no longer thrive in.

It feels like love is a tough thing to talk about for so many people. You have made it the centerpiece of your work and your life. How do you define love and why talk about it so much?
It’s difficult to define ‘Love,’ but if I have to give you a definition, I’ll share Eckhart Tolle’s definition which describes, “Love as a state of being.” I believe ‘Love’ is a host of actionable characteristics that demonstrate, in both our words and our actions, how we consider one another. The reason I talk a lot about love is because I know first-hand the transformative power love has on unearthing dysfunction and other unhealthy behaviors like bullying. I’ll continue to talk about love because I’ve also seen its transformative power in the lives of others. So ‘Love,’ when practiced to create a safe space for another human being to just be is the most prolific resource we have. And it’s free!

Have you ever encountered an experience where you were bullied? Can you share a little about that?


My most recent experience with bullying was in a professional setting where I was a new supervisor responsible for creating programs and systems to prepare my staff for a professional career in education. During my time there, I introduced a lot of new and innovative ways to engage one another and their students. Unfortunately, every initiative I introduced was ridiculed. My staff openly talked about me to each other, to their students and even complained to my supervisor that what I was introducing was useless. As you can imagine, I felt bullied and unappreciated, and it was impacting my health. I lost weight, and I suffered hair loss. When I sought out support and accountability for what I was experiencing, I did not receive a healthy resolution. So, I left the position.

How do you know when you see bullying?
When I witness a person being bullied, I usually see one person taking advantage of another person. A person who engages in bullying is usually a person who is struggling with some deficiency but prefers to ignore their own challenges to instead project anger onto another person. This person begins to believe that this misdirected anger will remedy their own hurt. The person being bullied is usually innocent and believes in the good of humanity but is hurt that their trust is being misused and are hurt that they are the focus of an unwarranted, negative attack. Unfortunately, the person being bullied is usually hesitant to vocalize their hurt and instead internalizes it. I know I see bullying when I see a person misdirecting their anger onto an innocent person.

How would you describe the difference between domestic abuse and being bullied by someone you are involved with romantically? Can bullying be a sign of worse things to come?
Domestic abuse is the physical manifestation of intimidation to maintain power or control of one’s partner. Whereas bullying, which is equally dangerous, is often times more subtle and can extend the entire life of an intimate relationship because there is no physical evidence of these incidents. It’s an unfortunate reality when bullying within romantic relationships, has become an acceptable behavior. I don’t believe bullying is necessarily a sign of worse things to come because bullying is already the “worse” thing to come. I also don’t believe domestic abuse is worse than bullying. They both are forms of abuse, but society has made domestic abuse a crime that’s punishable by law when in fact the effects of bullying can be equally if not more damaging than domestic abuse.

As part of When Love Works, you speak with employers about integrating empathy into their environments. How should someone in the workplace approach another person they might not get along with who has started being a bully?
In our work with employers and their employees, we encourage them to be Love Leaders in their work environment. We show them how to use our patented, yet practical tools to respond to and offset bullying behaviors. As the Love Leader, we teach you how to implement the 4As in response to your encounters with bullying or other non-negotiable behaviors.

I’ll share a brief overview of how the 4As response process works. The first two As in the 4As involves how to approach the person who is bullying. First, you must “Acknowledge the abusive behavior.” It’s important to name and acknowledge the specific bullying behavior. After you acknowledge it, then you Address the person in a calm way without any negativity or hostility in your tone. We call this step: “Address with the UnArmed Truth.” The third and fourth As are important because they highlight a pivotal moment in the interaction where you are creating a safe space for the person who is bullying you to remedy their actions by apologizing and creating steps of accountability for moving forward.

We practice each component of the 4As response with employers and employees using examples before they practice with one another. Then to increase their comfortability, we invite them to practice with real workplace scenarios. As we give feedback in the moment, we help them become more comfortable with their role as a Love Leader who in turn uses these tools to transform unhealthy workplace environments.

Do you think bullies can change?
I believe people are redeemable. So I believe people who have learned how to bully, can also unlearn how to bully. The key to whether a person can change is directly correlated to their openness and willingness to change. I believe anyone who is open to learn something new and different can change. Anyone who is willing to unlearn dysfunction and learn new and healthier ways of engaging people is redeemable.

What do you think we all should be doing to create safe space for people of different cultural, sexual or religious identities? What can we change the culture to do better?
I believe we are already doing some good work to create safe spaces for people of different cultures, sexual or religious identities as highlighted in platforms like The Tyler Clementi Foundation. The inclusion of diversity, equity and justice in classroom education and other platforms have also increased the dialogue about issues that plague many communities. However, I know we can do more. One of the things we can do improve the way we create safe spaces is move past the stage of open dialogue about this issue and in to the stage of connected accountability. If we want people of different cultural, sexual or religious identities to feel safe, then we have to be deliberate and intentional about these spaces. It is time for us to be held accountable for how we make people feel safe in their workplace, in their households of faith and in their schools. Then we have to find a way to connect the accountability across all these areas so there is consistent communication. We have to create inclusive advocacy boards who are committed to ensuring accountability. 
The only way we create more safe spaces is to do the work to reimagine ourselves as a part of a collective whole. Then, we can understand that there is no difference. We all deserve a safe space where we can just be.

How do you feel the words we use play a role in building or inhibiting community?
Words can play a vital role in building or inhibiting community because of their ability to leave impressions on its listeners. I don’t think anyone would disagree that if I were walking through a neighborhood where everyone used derogatory words toward me, that I’d be less likely to embrace that neighborhood as my community. In fact, I’d more than likely feel that I was different than everyone else. This example simply highlights the power our words have in including or excluding people. Unhealthy, toxic-laden words can have damaging, non-visible, but sometimes fatal impact on a person’s life. So if it’s our desire to build community then we have to give intentional thought to whether the words we use are building or inhibiting community development among our colleagues, our classmates and within our faith communities.

What do you do in your life each day to keep love at the center?
I have to be authentic in my love walk. It’s not a contrived practice of putting love at the center of my day. I am Love. This is one of the great benefits of doing this as a living. I get to know love, I get to embody love and I get to embrace love as I evolve daily toward being a love vessel. I start my day with gratitude affirmations which help me focus on who I love, what I love and why I love. Then, I go throughout my day doing the best I can to be a Love Leader in both my words and actions.

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Elitia Mattox is a self-described “love vessel and healthy relationship advocate who believes in the transformative power of love because of my personal journey to overcome dysfunctional, relationship obstacles which spanned more than 25 years of my life.” She is a loving wife to Cullen and mother of three children. When not coaching, she enjoys traveling and connecting with her inner foodie. You can follow her on Twitter or find her at When Love Works Coaching on Facebook.

How do you know when you see bullying?
Honestly, sometimes you don’t know when you’re seeing bullying. Speaking from the educator standpoint, kids are sneaky. They know how to do just enough without getting caught. The kids that are getting bullied are typically too embarrassed to say anything to anyone. We find out through the grapevine this is happening, and then we have to question the student to find out the truth.

Sometimes to the passerby, bullying can look like two kids joking around; only one-sided. When bullying, names can be thrown, physical harm can be done, property damage can be done. It all depends on the bully.

What do you find the most effective way to approach a bullying situation?
I think it really depends on how well you know who you are dealing with. I have always had really good rapport with my students, so I have always been very straight forward with them. Whether I’ve spoken to the bully or the bullied, they’ve always reciprocated the straightforwardness and for the most part have been honest with us.

Do you think bullies can change?
Yes, I do.

How would you describe your community/school when it comes to its response to diverse identities of students?
Our school is very accepting of race, heritage and religious affiliation, but I think when it comes to the discussion of sexual identity the school community is more conservative.

The Tyler Clementi Foundation believes in starting on #Day1 to set a precedent that bullying is not tolerated. As a teacher, how do you establish an environment of respect for diversity? How do students respond?

Whether it be a diverse group or not, I have never looked at one group different from the other. There is one group, not separated groups. For both of us, our students are very close with us and they take these messages seriously.

Simply, for every action there is a reaction. You treat people the way you want to be treated.

What kind of differences do you observe between the way students treat diversity in athletic environments/situations than a standard classroom?
Race and gender are still sources of prejudice that we continue to see. Men are more apt to act out where women are more verbal. In sports, the race stereotypes are more about jealousy or fear of physiological development in the athletic environment. For example, the idea that African-Americans run faster. With an increasing rate of poverty, we are hearing more and more stereotypes like rich kids are better in sports or are smarter.

As a parent, what do you do to let your child (or children) know that it is ok to talk to you when they feel like they might be being bullied?
We just tell them straight up. There is no sugar coating!!

What steps would you take (or have you taken) once you hear from your child or another source that your child or another child might be being bullied?
Stand up for yourself, and stand up for each other. If you see it, take care of it. If it’s you, take care of it. Don’t be afraid to tell somebody. Don’t be afraid to fight back.

How would you say you stand up to bullying?
Remember the person that is bullying is in a very low place in their life. They are bullying to get pleasure out of something that is lacking in their life.

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Heather Christenson is the Adapted Living Special Education Teacher at Pontiac Township High School in addition to her roles as Color Guard Instructor and member of C.A.P.T.A.I.N.S. (Coaches and Parents Teaming Against Inappropriate and Negative Situations). She has degrees in Physical Education, Health, and English from Western Illinois University as well as a Masters of Special Education from the University of Phoenix.

Corey Christenson is the Physical Education and Drivers Education Teacher at Pontiac Township High School. He is the Head Wrestling and Men’s Track and Field Coach as well as member of C.A.P.T.A.I.N.S. (Coaches and Parents Teaming Against Inappropriate and Negative Situations). He has degrees in Physical Education and Driver’s Education in addition to a Masters of Coaching Education from Ohio University.

What does respect mean to you? 
Respect is an interesting thing. There is a basic level of consideration that should be given to anyone by virtue of our mutual humanity. Then, there is the level of consideration of holding someone in high regard based on their actions. I think it is important for kids to understand both approaches and the duality that they can have compassion for someone whose actions are unappealing – whether it is understanding that someone who is bullying them may be coming from a place of being bullied or abused themselves or resisting the urge to participate in group ugliness against someone who doesn’t fit in.

Why is the issue of bullying important to you?
I was teased relentlessly throughout elementary school to the point where I started seriously contemplating suicide. In the 1980s, verbal bullying didn’t really count, which is something we realize now can be as harmful as traditional physical harassment. The internet has raised the stakes to a whole new level. Now bullies can hide behind anonymisers and never even face the person that they are attacking. As a parent, it is hard not to obsess over what will happen as my kids participate more online particularly, and even at school, “Mean Girl” behavior starts in Kindergarten, even preschool, and it’s not limited to girls. It’s also not something limited to kids.

How do you know when you see bullying? 
One of the hardest things to help kids understand is the difference between someone being “just” mean and bullying. It’s like the line between tattling and telling a teacher something that they need to know. Sometimes, it’s obvious. Anything involving physical harassment or violence or threats of harm is pretty clear cut. It’s that teasing piece that is difficult. I think the biggest marker of that sort of bullying is whether it is targeted and persistent. All kids can have their terrible moments. It is important to distinguish between “Cassidy called me a mean name today at recess,” and “Cassidy calls me mean names every recess.” One might be a kid being a jerk because they are having a bad day while the other is a pattern of behavior.

As parents, we also have to be willing to gently question our kids’ perspective. We’ve had the scenario where one of my kids reports that certain other kids are regularly calling them certain names and are generally mean to them. Then, when we go to talk to the teacher and ask who our child plays with, the first kids named are the ones we were going to bring up as engaging in bullying behavior. Certainly, both can be true, but it is important to be willing to see multiple sides as parents while still advocating for our kids. Parents have to be willing to see the possible negatives in their own kids and even be willing to accept that their kids might actually be one of the bullies in some situations.

Have you ever been bullied or felt like you were in a hostile space directed at you? If so, could you share what happened?
Oh yes. I was a weird smart kid who didn’t really get how to hide it in a time where there was no cultural appreciation of geekdom or sexual fluidity. I’ve actually written about the experience, the resulting suicidal behavior, and the after effects here. As I got older, it was difficult coming to terms with my sexuality because I didn’t really have a name for being attracted to both boys and girls. I didn’t feel like I really fit in anywhere.

As a parent, what do you do to let your children know that it is ok to talk to you when they feel like they might be being bullied?
I think that this is part of letting your kids know that they can talk to you about anything. We try to have open conversations about anything they are concerned about or have questions about. The biggest mistake I think parents make – and I confess to having occasional issues with it, too – is to try to downplay when our kids tell us about issues in an effort to toughen them up a bit or to “help” them feel better about the situation. In reality, downplaying it is an adult response that helps adults feel better, but that can also lead us to mistrust our instincts about people and situations—something kids are just learning to do. The worst thing I could hear as a child was and adult say, “Just ignore them,” or “It’s no big deal.”

I understand better as an adult where that impulse comes from: a combination of not knowing what else to say and having more perspective. It feels so dismissive as a kid, like they are the problem or deserve it because they are unable to control their own urge to react. I spent most of my childhood thinking that it was my fault that I was teased because I did react, and I did cry, and I internalized that idea that if only I wouldn’t give the bullies the satisfaction of getting a response, everything would be okay. Now, I recognize that as the victim blaming that it is. I also understand how much the adults around me wanted to help but didn’t know how.

What steps have you taken once you hear from your child or another source that your child or another child might be being bullied?
It depends on the situation, but generally speaking, after talking to my children and learning as much as I can, I always want to talk to another adult in charge. Like I mentioned in my previous example about the other students teasing my daughter, teachers and other adults don’t always realize what is happening because kids are good at hiding their bad behavior. We have had some good experiences with teachers and counselors who have been very skilled at discussing inclusion and respective differences without singling out targeted kids, and we’ve had some not so good experiences. It is important for kids to know that you have their back.

Religion plays such a significant role in American life. Do you feel communities should be discussing inclusion and collaboration of different faith identities in addition to the identities of people who do not participate in religious life?
I am conflicted about this. I know that there are wonderful inclusive congregations that are truly welcoming. However, as I experienced “inclusiveness” as a child who was raised in a home without religion, interfaith activities can be thinly veiled conversion endeavors which can start to feel like bullying in themselves. I find myself highly suspect of teen motivational speakers for that reason. Organized religion is an inexorable part of American life, but religion can also be part and parcel of bullying. I hear all the time about kids 6, 7 years old being bullied by other kids telling them they are evil and going to hell, which is something that hasn’t changed since my childhood. That can be some of the hardest conversations for parents who do not practice a dominant religion, since in some areas, school officials are not open to addressing this sort of bullying because the principal and teachers may be part of the congregation where the bullying kids affirm these messages.

I guess I would like to see religious communities make it clear that religion-based bullying is not acceptable within their communities as well as in the world at large. Freedom of religion is for everyone, including those who exercise the right not to believe or to participate in less popular faiths. Bullying on the basis of religion should never be acceptable, but that message needs to come from religious leaders, not secular families who are just trying to live their lives.

What do you think people should be doing to create safe space for people of diverse or non-faith? 
I can mostly speak to non-faith. It is difficult to build a community around the absence of something. However, there is a vibrant community of non-believer parents on Facebook where like-minded individuals provide support without spiritual intrusion. It is nice to have places to talk about the bullying that our kids encounter without religion being an issue. The network that I blog for is expressly skeptical, and we try to provide evidence-based commentary on these issues. Facebook groups for school PTAs and the like are also becoming more common which gives parents a way to connect around their local schools in ways they might not have time to in person.

I would like to see more expressly humanist, non-denominational, non-religious support, but that can be hard for many of the reasons I have already stated. I am fortunate to live in a very diverse area where there are a lot of options outside of faith-based organizations. Not every town has those kinds of options. For folks of faith in progressive congregations—which I absolutely know exist—keep reaching out and making it clear that your doors are open without judgement. It’s important that people of faith not be offended when skeptics are, indeed, skeptical. For the most part, parents and kids are in this together, and ultimately, we want similar things for our kids even if we use different language.

Can you tell us about a time when a friend (or stranger) helped support you when others were being unkind? 
Throughout my childhood, there were adults who made space for me—great school counselors who always found the time to talk, the year book adviser who made room for a third-grader looking for a place to land, the summer school organizer who encouraged me to get involved with the program during the year and to help out. Sometimes, the best thing adults can do is to find ways to just let kids in and be themselves for a while.

If you could say one thing to anyone who is the victim of bullying, what woulust don’td it be?
You matter. You are heard. You are loved.

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Emily Sexton is a blogger, poet, wannabe novelist, lawyer, mother, and can do it all if only there were more hours in the day. After a childhood in central Illinois, she moved east for law school and has lived in the inner DC suburbs since 1999. She often can be found nursing a beverage and reading something.  Follow her on Twitter: @emandink.