What does respect mean to you? 
Respect is an interesting thing. There is a basic level of consideration that should be given to anyone by virtue of our mutual humanity. Then, there is the level of consideration of holding someone in high regard based on their actions. I think it is important for kids to understand both approaches and the duality that they can have compassion for someone whose actions are unappealing – whether it is understanding that someone who is bullying them may be coming from a place of being bullied or abused themselves or resisting the urge to participate in group ugliness against someone who doesn’t fit in.

Why is the issue of bullying important to you?
I was teased relentlessly throughout elementary school to the point where I started seriously contemplating suicide. In the 1980s, verbal bullying didn’t really count, which is something we realize now can be as harmful as traditional physical harassment. The internet has raised the stakes to a whole new level. Now bullies can hide behind anonymisers and never even face the person that they are attacking. As a parent, it is hard not to obsess over what will happen as my kids participate more online particularly, and even at school, “Mean Girl” behavior starts in Kindergarten, even preschool, and it’s not limited to girls. It’s also not something limited to kids.

How do you know when you see bullying? 
One of the hardest things to help kids understand is the difference between someone being “just” mean and bullying. It’s like the line between tattling and telling a teacher something that they need to know. Sometimes, it’s obvious. Anything involving physical harassment or violence or threats of harm is pretty clear cut. It’s that teasing piece that is difficult. I think the biggest marker of that sort of bullying is whether it is targeted and persistent. All kids can have their terrible moments. It is important to distinguish between “Cassidy called me a mean name today at recess,” and “Cassidy calls me mean names every recess.” One might be a kid being a jerk because they are having a bad day while the other is a pattern of behavior.

As parents, we also have to be willing to gently question our kids’ perspective. We’ve had the scenario where one of my kids reports that certain other kids are regularly calling them certain names and are generally mean to them. Then, when we go to talk to the teacher and ask who our child plays with, the first kids named are the ones we were going to bring up as engaging in bullying behavior. Certainly, both can be true, but it is important to be willing to see multiple sides as parents while still advocating for our kids. Parents have to be willing to see the possible negatives in their own kids and even be willing to accept that their kids might actually be one of the bullies in some situations.

Have you ever been bullied or felt like you were in a hostile space directed at you? If so, could you share what happened?
Oh yes. I was a weird smart kid who didn’t really get how to hide it in a time where there was no cultural appreciation of geekdom or sexual fluidity. I’ve actually written about the experience, the resulting suicidal behavior, and the after effects here. As I got older, it was difficult coming to terms with my sexuality because I didn’t really have a name for being attracted to both boys and girls. I didn’t feel like I really fit in anywhere.

As a parent, what do you do to let your children know that it is ok to talk to you when they feel like they might be being bullied?
I think that this is part of letting your kids know that they can talk to you about anything. We try to have open conversations about anything they are concerned about or have questions about. The biggest mistake I think parents make – and I confess to having occasional issues with it, too – is to try to downplay when our kids tell us about issues in an effort to toughen them up a bit or to “help” them feel better about the situation. In reality, downplaying it is an adult response that helps adults feel better, but that can also lead us to mistrust our instincts about people and situations—something kids are just learning to do. The worst thing I could hear as a child was and adult say, “Just ignore them,” or “It’s no big deal.”

I understand better as an adult where that impulse comes from: a combination of not knowing what else to say and having more perspective. It feels so dismissive as a kid, like they are the problem or deserve it because they are unable to control their own urge to react. I spent most of my childhood thinking that it was my fault that I was teased because I did react, and I did cry, and I internalized that idea that if only I wouldn’t give the bullies the satisfaction of getting a response, everything would be okay. Now, I recognize that as the victim blaming that it is. I also understand how much the adults around me wanted to help but didn’t know how.

What steps have you taken once you hear from your child or another source that your child or another child might be being bullied?
It depends on the situation, but generally speaking, after talking to my children and learning as much as I can, I always want to talk to another adult in charge. Like I mentioned in my previous example about the other students teasing my daughter, teachers and other adults don’t always realize what is happening because kids are good at hiding their bad behavior. We have had some good experiences with teachers and counselors who have been very skilled at discussing inclusion and respective differences without singling out targeted kids, and we’ve had some not so good experiences. It is important for kids to know that you have their back.

Religion plays such a significant role in American life. Do you feel communities should be discussing inclusion and collaboration of different faith identities in addition to the identities of people who do not participate in religious life?
I am conflicted about this. I know that there are wonderful inclusive congregations that are truly welcoming. However, as I experienced “inclusiveness” as a child who was raised in a home without religion, interfaith activities can be thinly veiled conversion endeavors which can start to feel like bullying in themselves. I find myself highly suspect of teen motivational speakers for that reason. Organized religion is an inexorable part of American life, but religion can also be part and parcel of bullying. I hear all the time about kids 6, 7 years old being bullied by other kids telling them they are evil and going to hell, which is something that hasn’t changed since my childhood. That can be some of the hardest conversations for parents who do not practice a dominant religion, since in some areas, school officials are not open to addressing this sort of bullying because the principal and teachers may be part of the congregation where the bullying kids affirm these messages.

I guess I would like to see religious communities make it clear that religion-based bullying is not acceptable within their communities as well as in the world at large. Freedom of religion is for everyone, including those who exercise the right not to believe or to participate in less popular faiths. Bullying on the basis of religion should never be acceptable, but that message needs to come from religious leaders, not secular families who are just trying to live their lives.

What do you think people should be doing to create safe space for people of diverse or non-faith? 
I can mostly speak to non-faith. It is difficult to build a community around the absence of something. However, there is a vibrant community of non-believer parents on Facebook where like-minded individuals provide support without spiritual intrusion. It is nice to have places to talk about the bullying that our kids encounter without religion being an issue. The network that I blog for is expressly skeptical, and we try to provide evidence-based commentary on these issues. Facebook groups for school PTAs and the like are also becoming more common which gives parents a way to connect around their local schools in ways they might not have time to in person.

I would like to see more expressly humanist, non-denominational, non-religious support, but that can be hard for many of the reasons I have already stated. I am fortunate to live in a very diverse area where there are a lot of options outside of faith-based organizations. Not every town has those kinds of options. For folks of faith in progressive congregations—which I absolutely know exist—keep reaching out and making it clear that your doors are open without judgement. It’s important that people of faith not be offended when skeptics are, indeed, skeptical. For the most part, parents and kids are in this together, and ultimately, we want similar things for our kids even if we use different language.

Can you tell us about a time when a friend (or stranger) helped support you when others were being unkind? 
Throughout my childhood, there were adults who made space for me—great school counselors who always found the time to talk, the year book adviser who made room for a third-grader looking for a place to land, the summer school organizer who encouraged me to get involved with the program during the year and to help out. Sometimes, the best thing adults can do is to find ways to just let kids in and be themselves for a while.

If you could say one thing to anyone who is the victim of bullying, what woulust don’td it be?
You matter. You are heard. You are loved.

Emily Sexton is a blogger, poet, wannabe novelist, lawyer, mother, and can do it all if only there were more hours in the day. After a childhood in central Illinois, she moved east for law school and has lived in the inner DC suburbs since 1999. She often can be found nursing a beverage and reading something.  Follow her on Twitter: @emandink.

Persons with disabilities are an important and active part of so many different environments, but one British study found that 60 percent of students with disabilities report being bullied regularly compared with 25 percent of all students.¹ We know that putting an end to bullying starts on #Day1 and with a better understanding of diverse communities. We asked professor and expert David J. Thomas, Ph.D., to share several helpful tips on how communities can be more inclusive of persons with disabilities.

Disability Etiquette

It is most important to remember that people with disabilities are just that; people first who happen to have disabilities. The disability community advocates for the use of “person first” language in most cases. When using “person first” language, the person precedes the disability. Try to use “person first” language or respect the wishes of the person if he or she indicates a preference for a different form of reference.

When Talking with a Person with a Disability:

• Offer help, then wait until it is accepted before you give it. If a person with a disability asks for help and you want to provide assistance, but don’t know how, ask the person to tell you the best way of providing the needed assistance.
• If a person with a disability feels she/he can do something but you cannot understand how (e.g. performing certain job requirements, tasks, white water rafting), ask the person to explain.
• Accept the fact that a disability exists. Not acknowledging a disability is similar to ignoring someone’s sex, height or race. But to ask personal questions about the disability would be inappropriate until a closer relationship develops in which personal questions are more naturally asked. You should never initiate the conversation about specifics of a person’s impairment; it is the person’s right when, how and to what extent they disclose their disability.
• Speak directly to the person with a disability (including a person who is Deaf), not to their companion or interpreter.
• Do not assume that a lack of a response indicates rudeness or a lack of understanding. In some cases a person with a disability may seem to react to situations in an unconventional manner or appear to be ignoring you. Consider that the individual may be hard of hearing or have a processing impairment which may affect social or motor skills.

When Speaking to Someone who uses a Wheelchair:

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• Do not hold on to a person’s wheelchair. It is part of that person’s body space. Hanging on or leaning on the wheelchair is similar to leaning on a person sitting in any chair.
• Do not be oversensitive about using words like “walking” or “running.” People using wheelchairs use the same words.
• If conversation proceeds for more than a few minutes and it is possible to do so, consider sitting down in order to share eye level. It is uncomfortable for a seated person to look straight up for a long period of time and it creates a uncomfortable power differential.

When Speaking to a Blind Person:

• If you see a blind person in a dangerous situation (about to walk into a wall or piece of furniture), speak out and make her/him aware of the danger.
• Do not be sensitive about using words like “see” or “look,” etc. Blind people use them regularly.
• Speak in a clear, normal manner. Do not exaggerate or raise your voice. Remember that the person is blind, not necessarily hard of hearing.

When Speaking with a Deaf or Hard of Hearing Person:

• Speak clearly and distinctly, but do not exaggerate your words. Use normal speech unless asked to slow down.
• Provide a clear view of your mouth. Waving your hands or holding something in front of your lip, thus hiding them, makes speech reading impossible.
• Use normal tone unless you are asked to raise your voice. Shouting will not help.
• Speak directly to the person, instead of from the side or back of the person. Also, make sure the Deaf or hard of hearing person is looking at you before you begin to speak.  It is acceptable to touch a Deaf or hard of hearing person in order to get their attention; this is expected and a normal part of conversation for them.
• Speak expressively, and keep good eye contact. Deaf or hard of hearing people cannot hear subtle changes in tone which may indicate sarcasm or seriousness. Many will rely on your facial expressions, gestures, and body language to understand what you are saying.
• If you are having trouble understanding a person’s speech, feel free to ask her/him to repeat. If that does not work, then use paper and pen. Most people will not be offended.
• Remember, communication is your goal. The method is less important.
• If you know any ASL, try using it. If the deaf person you are communicating with finds it a problem, the person will let you know. Usually your attempts will be appreciated and supported.
• When talking with a Deaf or hard of hearing person, try not to stand in front of a light source (e.g. a window). The Deaf or hard of hearing person will find it hard to see your face, which will be silhouetted in the light.
• Do not assume that the Deaf or hard of hearing person really understands you if she/he nods her/his head “yes.” This is often an automatic reaction. If you want to make certain that the person understood, ask her/him (in a tactful way) to repeat or explain what you said.

About the Expert

David J. Thomas, Ph.D. serves as the Educational Accessibility Advisor and the ADA/504 Coordinator at the University of the Arts in Philadelphia and the Higher Education and Design Principal at Independence Access Associates, LLC in Drexel Hill, PA. Dr. Thomas holds an appointment as Adjunct Assistant Professor of English at Temple University and serves on the Human Subjects Institutional Review Board (IRB) at the University of the Sciences and the Board of Directors of the Disability Rights Network of Pennsylvania and the Mental Health Advisory Council.

Reference:
1.Source: British Journal of Learning Support, 2008.

Featured Photo Credit: Members from Coast Guard Sector St. Petersburg, Fla., compete against members of the Orlando Magic Wheels-Championship Team in the Gulf Coast Invitational Wheelchair Basketball Tournament in St. Petersburg, Saturday, March 21, 2015. Sector personnel strapped into sports-designed wheelchairs and raised awareness for people living with disabilities in the community. (U.S. Coast Guard photo by Petty Officer 3rd Class Ashley J. Johnson)

Being online means interfacing with innumerable individuals behind the screen of nicknames and avatars. Take the Upstander Pledge and you know that the first steps to stopping hostility online is to stand up to bullying and support individuals targeted by cruelty. We asked cyberbullying expert Sameer-Hinduja, Ph.D., to share several more tips to identify and end bullying.

Tips for Teens

Protect your password
Safeguard your password and other private information from prying eyes. Never leave passwords or other identifying information where others can see it. Also, never give out this information to anyone, even your best friend. If others know it, take the time to change it now!

Setup privacy controls
Restrict access of your online profile to people you know and trust. Most social media platforms offer you the ability to share certain information with friends/followers only, but these settings must be configured in ordered to ensure maximum protection.

Raise awareness
Start a movement, create a club, build a campaign, or host an event to bring awareness to cyberbullying. While you may understand what it is, it’s not until others are aware of it too that we can truly prevent it from occurring.

Tips for Educators

Teach students that all forms of bullying are unacceptable, and that cyberbullying behaviors are potentially subject to discipline. Have a conversation with students about what “substantial disruption” means. They need to know that even a behavior that occurs miles away from the school could be subject to school sanction if it substantially disrupts the school environment.

Educate your community. Utilize specially-created cyberbullying curricula, or general information sessions such as assemblies and in-class discussions to raise  awareness among youth. Invite specialists to come talk to staff and students. Send information out to parents. Sponsor a community education event. Invite parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and any other relevant adult. Incentivize it if necessary!

Cultivate a positive school climate, as research has shown a link between a perceived “negative” environment on campus and an increased prevalence of bullying and cyberbullying among students. In general, it is crucial to establish and maintain a school climate of respect and integrity where violations result in informal or formal sanction.

Tips for Parents

Establish that all rules for interacting with people in real life also apply for interacting online or through cell phones. Convey that cyberbullying inflicts harm and causes pain in the real world as well as in cyberspace.

Monitor your child’s activities while they are online. This can be done informally (through active participation in, and supervision of, your child’s online experience) and formally (through software). Use discretion when covertly spying on your kids. This could cause more harm than good if your child feels their privacy has been violated. They may go completely underground with their online behaviors and deliberately work to hide their actions from you.

Cultivate and maintain an open, candid line of communication with your children, so that they are ready and willing to come to you whenever they experience something unpleasant or distressing in cyberspace. Victims of cyberbullying (and the bystanders who observe it) must know for sure that the adults who they tell will intervene rationally and logically, and not make the situation worse.

About the Expert

Sameer Hinduja, Ph.D. is Co-Director of the Cyberbullying Research Center found online at cyberbulling.org and Professor of Criminology and Criminal Justice at Florida Atlantic University. You can learn more about him and his speaking schedule at his site.