I’m really questioning the stories with schools filled with best friends and adults who are willing to help. The truth is that if you decide to speak up about bullying at your school, you should really think hard about who you can truly trust. Just because someone carries an Anti-Bullying Specialist title doesn’t mean that she cares what happens to you or will be honest. That’s what I learned. No matter how small your issues are to others, someone should be there for you. But your oldest friends could turn on you. That’s what I learned.

I was bullied at West Morris Central High School in New Jersey for almost two years. The bully didn’t punch or kick or hit, but she constantly cut me down and cut down my friends behind their backs. I was scared. I faked illness to cut school. It was the Captain of the school team. She was 17 and I was new, just a freshman at 14, so I didn’t say anything. But then my parents figured it out.

The Coach was informed, but she ignored eight written and verbal complaints. When we finally got past the Coach, the school said the Anti-Bullying Bill of Rights Act prevented them from doing anything. The toughest anti-bullying law in the country, the one they passed after Tyler Clementi’s death, was the whole problem. The only thing they were allowed to do was to launch an official investigation, but the bully would definitely be cleared if I didn’t file a written complaint. So, my parents and I filed a written complaint. All we wanted was for someone to tell the other girl to leave me alone.

The ABS skipped our appointments three times in a row without telling me. I even saw the bully walk right in to speak with her during my time slot. So, when the ABS finally grabbed me later and told me how timid I was, my nerves were destroyed.

It gets worse. She asked me to tell her what happened but kept interrupting me. I wasn’t allowed to say anything that was in the written complaint. I hardly got a word out before she changed the subject and started talking about my grades and how, actually, I was stressed about my grades. “No,” I told her. Then she asked if my mother was putting too much pressure on me. My mother? How did she even come up in this conversation? “No,” I told her. So then she said I could come to her for counseling about my academic stress if I wanted and told me to write my story on a piece of paper, but I couldn’t repeat anything in the written complaint. A few minutes later the bell rang, and I had to go take a test. She wouldn’t let me finish later.

A few days later, I heard from a friend that the ABS was calling people in to ask about things and to ask about my mother. My mother? Again? Why is the ABS asking about my mother? The next thing I knew, the ABS emailed me to ask me the names of everyone I had been speaking to about the complaint. It had just been this one friend who contacted me, because she was being a friend. But I said nothing. Later I found out that the bully told the ABS about this girl. The ABS punished my friend for talking to me about bullying. So, first I was too scared to talk to my friends about bullying, and then, the ABS ordered me not to talk about it at all and punished any friend that talked to me. It would have been nice to have friends or just someone to talk to; I wouldn’t have any friends for much longer.

The ABS interviewed 13 witnesses about an incident that was 10 months ago at the time. The coach managed to see nothing and another six couldn’t remember things. Another six did back me up and several noticed that the Captain and me didn’t get along afterwards. I have their written statements now. However, the ABS wrote that ‘not one’ witness corroborated my telling of the incident. The official verdict was that I had made up the whole thing.

Naturally, the ABS told the bully first, and the bully told all my friends before I even knew of the decision. By the end of that day, I didn’t have friends left. Who could be friends with me when the school told them I was a liar? The ABS’s report was a loaded gun in the bully’s hands, and the bully used it to make me an outcast at school.

The bullying spread. It had been just one girl who was making me miserable, but now, it was her, her friends and all my former friends who were making me suicidal. The coach also tried to make my life unlivable as well and kick me off the team. She told me and my parents to stay away from the bully, but the same coach let the bully do anything. The bully wouldn’t let me talk to anyone at all without coming over so I would have to leave. I was totally alone, even in a crowded gym. It worked. I quit. But nasty rumors followed me and I was miserable, and I was alone. I didn’t know where to turn. I decided the only way out was to end my life. The sad thing is that I didn’t decide to fight back until they locked me up and strip-searched me in the emergency ward which was its own horror.

Even when I got back to school, the school wouldn’t do anything at all. The bully’s friend started harassing me. For example she told me she hated me with a burning passion and that no one liked me. In front of witnesses. Admitted it to the teacher. But the school said that was not bullying.

Now, I’m telling my story on YouTube, but the school is still hostile. They said that my email to the other students about bullying violated the acceptable use policy for email. It turns out that anti-bullying is not an approved educational objective at West Morris Central; I have that in writing. So, my experience is that I’m really and truly not allowed to talk about bullying in school. The statewide Week of Respect is coming up soon. That’s when we all get together and talk about how bullying is bad and how adults always do the right thing. That’s not what I learned.

But from experience, I can tell you that what doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger. Since my videos came out, several other students in school have come to me with similar stories. I really think there’s at least one other student in real trouble because our ABS will not even take notice of what has happened to her. My life would have been a lot easier if I’d just shut up and suffered the bullying. At the same time, it’s so clear that what’s happened is wrong. I don’t know how this will end, but I can’t stop now because I know that’s not me. My school really doesn’t believe that bullying is something to be concerned about. The next bullied kid might really kill herself, and I can’t let that happen.

Can you explain why the issue of bullying is important to you and the Imperial Court?
In my youth, I was also bullied. I believe the solution is usually bigger than just standing up to one person. If we stand together as a community, we can have a larger and more effective impact on this issue.

The Imperial Court is a much beloved institution of charity and support in the LGBT community. How would you explain the Imperial Court to people outside of the LGBT community?
The Court is a social, fundraising organization which has raised and donated back into the community over $2-million for social service and health support organizations. In addition to our own fundraising, we often lend our support and talent to other organizations in their ventures by performing, volunteering or just adding beauty and style! Our members are people who have chosen to make a commitment, get involved and make a difference in the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community. Our membership is broad and varied: lawyers, carpenters, therapists, ministers, stockbrokers, hairdressers, marketers, performers, accountants, teachers, florists, antique dealers, jewelers and more!
 
What elicited your interest in becoming part of the Court?
The Imperial Court is a great organization – a lot of fabulous people doing wonderful things and giving back to the community. Looking from the outside in, I wanted to be a part of it. Over the years, the LGBT community has given me so much. I wanted to give back to the community that has made me so popular over the years. By fundraising for these charities, I have the hope that things will be better and easier for the next generation.

What can people expect at the Nobles’ Show?
My co-host, Ambrosia Amore, and I have garnered a lot of great donations which will be raffled off to raise money. We have also gathered a cast of excellent performers to bring in a large audience. We are thrilled to have James Clementi speak, in person, to raise awareness and generate more interest and more fundraisers for the Tyler Clementi Foundation.
 
Young LGBT are disproportionately bullied, and many of us are familiar with the high rates of homelessness for LGBT youth. Why should all communities be working to provide positive spaces for LGBT youth?
Everyone deserves a chance. I think that it’s important our community provide a good example and safe spaces for our youth. It’s okay to be who you are in your skin.
 
Do you think LGBT people can be bullies? If so, how? 
Yes, of course. As we’re trying to prove to the world that LGBT people are just like everyone else, and sadly, we have the same flaws and a lot of the same ways to bully each other.
 
How can LGBT people work to improve safe space in the community for people of all races, religions, etc.?
That’s a big question and I think we’re just at the beginning of this. Awareness is a vital and good place to begin the dialogue.
 
What resources do you think a person should have available to respond to bullying?
I think firstly, a sense of self-confidence and knowing one’s self-worth is a healthy place to begin. As a society, I see we’re trying to lay the ground work on the issue of bullying. I wish there were easy answers but we’re just beginning to tackle this head on.

Viscountess Alexis Flame of the ICNY (also known as Alexis Flame the Horror Diva) is a member of the LGBT community that’s trying to make a difference and reinvest in the community that created and continues to support Alexis’ success. Follow her on Facebook.

From the moment a student enrolls, school becomes our second home. We create connections with our peers, mentor relationships with our teachers, and we learn the hallways of our schools inside and out. School serves as a refuge from conflicts in our personal lives, and sometimes the only solace we have is the familiar classroom of our favorite teacher.

Teachers are our de-facto parents for seven hours of the day. A teacher is who you run to for help when you’re being bullied.

But what if the bully is your teacher?

I was a freshman in a new school when my Biology teacher became my bully. In my personal life, I was struggling with my transgender identity. I was still coming out to my friends and family when I stepped into her classroom.

Under the guise of a unit on chromosomes, we began to discuss trans identity. The instructor shared her thoughts about how trans people were ‘freaks of nature’. What began as a simple conversation rocketed into a Google image search and what seemed like a slow-motion slideshow of every trans person she could find online. My class laughed and pointed. They used slurs that made my skin crawl. None of it would have happened if my teacher had not started and encouraged the conversation.

My eyes stung and my heart weighed a hundred pounds. My teacher never singled me out during the conversation, but she didn’t have to make me feel alienated and wounded. I felt bullied.

As I left my classroom that day after our hour and a half lesson on why my identity was weird and wrong, I felt distinctly unsafe. My teacher was no longer someone I could talk to when I was called names in the hall, or laughed at during lunch. I was an unsuspecting victim. She was an unexpected villain.

How Cyber-Mentors Reduce Cyberbullying

Youth today spend more time on their digital devices than doing anything else except sleeping. It’s like home to them. According to a recent Common Sense survey, teens spend an average of 9 hours per day using media — which means they are digitally connected for most of their waking hours!

With this much time spent in cyber-life, it’s imperative for youth to learn how to incorporate their (positive) offline skills into their online lives. So where do we begin?

Teens and Their Peers

We all know how important peers are to teens. Just as in previous generations, young people want to be accepted and liked by their peers. Today youth connect with their peers online, so it’s additionally important to them to have virtual likeability – remember, online is a central part of their lives – so they check in on their social platforms to see how many LIKEs they have accumulated or who has commented on their posts. This is the new norm for youth today.

When those of us who grew up before “tech” were in elementary school, there was typically a buddy system. We looked after and took care of our buddy. It’s time to bring that useful practice back again — online.

A recent study reveals that cyberbullying is more common between friends (current or former) than strangers. So it’s high time for teens to become “cyber-mentors” for each other.

Teen-to-Teen Outreach Online: Becoming A Cyber-Mentor

What is a mentor?

A mentor is a person or friend who guides a less experienced person by building trust and modeling positive behaviors. A cyber-mentor guides a person or friend in cyberspace by modeling good social media etiquette and online digital behavior.

Cyber-mentors are friends who are there for you (offline and online) – for example, maybe a friend posts something questionable and it could reflect upon his or her online reputation negatively. That’s when a cyber-mentor steps in.

Or maybe a friend isn’t exactly less experienced online, but is just feeling less-than-adequate. You can also think of cyber-mentoring as an opportunity to step in when a friend is having a bad day and needs a cyber-hug.

Cyber-Mentors Meet Cyberbullies

Through cyber-mentoring, a teen can feel encouraged and empowered to make a real difference online. While reports of cyberbullying continue to make headlines, there are also many stories of teens and tweens breaking the mold and becoming upstanders.

Remember Kristen Layne who was cyberbullied for her weight when she posted a picture of herself on Facebook in a prom dress she was selling? It didn’t take long before a cyber-army of friends and strangers started sending uplifting messages of support to Kristen via social media.

A cyber-mentor, like the ones who supported Kristen, stand-up to the perpetrators of online cruelty, they post positive comments to offset online negativity, and they stop cyberbullies in their tracks.

It’s kids like these who determine what is cool verses not cool online.

Cyber-Mentors: A New Team Sport

Adults often worry about how impressionable teens can be, and how easily influenced by they are by their peers, and usually this is viewed as a negative thing. But it can also be largely positive too. Banding together to be cyber-mentors, teens can influence and encourage one another and become a very powerful, positive force when it comes to online life.

Being a cyber-mentor is easy and effective, and it can help make our teens’ (and everyone else’s) online experiences positive ones.

About the Expert

Founder and President of Parents’ Universal Resource Experts Inc. (P.U.R.E.™), Sue Scheff has been leveraging her personal experiences to help others through her organization since 2001. She is a Family Internet Safety Advocate determined to save other parents from encountering the same challenges and issues she faced when searching for a safe, effective program for her own daughter during her troubled teen years. Sue Scheff established P.U.R.E.™ as an advocacy organization to educate parents about the schooling and program options available to pre-teens and teenagers experiencing behavioral problems. You can find her blog here. She is also available on Twitter or Facebook.

The views or experiences expressed are solely those of the contributor or interview subject and do not represent the views of the Tyler Clementi Foundation, its staff or board. If you have any questions or concerns regarding the material, please contact the Tyler Clementi Foundation, and we appreciate your support and commitment to end bullying starting on #Day1.

What do you do on the days where you need extra support?
When I need extra support, I turn to my fiancee. He’s always there to keep me going.

In your wonderful acceptance speech at the Independent Spirit Awards, you encouraged Hollywood to recognize the diversity of transgender talent and most importantly to include them in their projects. Why would you say it is important to approach media representations with an eye toward diversity and inclusion?
In life, you never know what you’re going to get until you open up and take chances. Give everyone a chance no matter what that person’s background is. You never know what you’ll get.

One-third of LGBTQ students skip school to avoid bullies. Did you ever encounter an experience where you or a friend of yours was bullied? Can you share a little about that?
In school, there was one guy that didn’t like me because I was gay at that time. I found that when you are open and honest about yourself with people, then there’s nothing that they can do or say to hurt you.

The last few years have seen a number of transwomen of color enter the public conversation, from Laverne Cox to Janet Mock. How do you feel that has affected young transpeople outside of the urban cities? What areas of the community do we need to spend more time developing resources and support?
Yes. Visibility is the most important thing. Opportunity is what we need to work on across the country. Not just in film and TV but in all jobs.

How do you feel the words we use play a role in building or inhibiting community?
I think it’s always important to be respectful, kind and generous. Just ask people how they would like to be addressed.

With all your recent success, it means a lot more media attention and social media attention. How have people online been mostly supportive to you? Did you ever experience cyberbullies (or trolls) trying to muck up your communications with your fans?
Yes, I have experienced cyber bullies, but it doesn’t bother me. Some things can be hurtful, but I feel that if they have enough time to sit and be mean to me online then their life must not be that great.

How do we stop contributing to negativity on the internet?
Ignore it.

What do you think we all should be doing to create safe space for people of different cultural, sexual or religious identities? What can we change the culture to do better?
Look at each person as an individual and treat them as an individual.

If you could say one thing to anyone who is the victim of bullying, what would it be?
Reach me on Facebook, and I will help you through it. We react to bullying by pulling together.

Mya Taylor is an award-winning actress for the film Tangerine. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

During my 7th grade year, I trusted a friend with one of my deepest secrets. I explained to this friend that I was a lesbian. At first, I felt great! After all, I finally had a friend who I could share this part of my life with. However, one day we had a discussion about it in a private message on Facebook. Come to find out her friends had gotten onto her Facebook, saw our conversation, and before I knew it, my conversation was forwarded to almost everyone we went to school with. I went into school the next day to see kids laughing at me while I walked by, to hear comments such as “Ew she’s gross!” or “Oh, look here comes the lesbo.”

In the following days, I decided to pretend to be sick so my Mom wouldn’t make me go to school. That plan eventually had to end after four days of not going to school.

When I got back, the situation had worsened. Not only did the whole 7th grade know but the entire 8th grade knew. There was no escape. My worst fear had happened! I had already made a big decision coming out to one person, but to be forced out to every single one of my classmates was unfathomable.

As time went on, I felt beaten down. I wished I didn’t have to go to school, and when I would get home, I would spend hours in my room crying. A thought I would often ponder was, “Maybe the pain would end if I killed myself. Maybe people would care then.”

There was no one I could turn to for support. My family was homophobic at the time, and the teachers stood by and witnessed me being bullied. Even after I told the guidance department and the principle multiple times, it did me no good. I had even been told by my guidance counselor, “Well, Toni, you should have expected this. If you didn’t want anyone to know you shouldn’t have told anyone.” It was that blame that finally silenced me. I began thinking it was my fault, and that I deserved everything that happened.

As things were getting progressively worse for me, I still didn’t know what was to come. One day I went to the gym locker room to change for gym class. As always, the teacher would leave us there to change by ourselves and have us line up after we changed. This day was different. These girls had started picking on me while I was in the locker room, and they began to push and hold me down as I tried to fight. One of the girls had a lighter. She took out the lighter, held it upside down and burned my arm with it. I’ve shared the picture with you of the scar that remains.

After they were done, I felt defeated. After that, I still kept silent. After all, I had been told what was done to me was my fault.

Throughout the rest of my school years, I was bullied, and I had very few friends to reach out to for support. I never went to prom, never joined any teams, even though I was great at softball.

I am now twenty-two years old, and I realize that what was happening to me was not my fault! It was the school’s job to protect me, but instead they blamed the victim. If the school had followed their anti-bullying policy and had kept a better watch on students, I believe I could have had a better childhood.

By sharing my story, I hope to empower some of you! It makes me cringe every time I hear someone committed suicide because of bullying. Everyone who is picked on has worth. I want say to those who have been bullied or are being bullied: You are not useless, you do not deserve hate, and most importantly, you deserve to be in a place where you feel safe. Hang in there! There is a way better life waiting for you just around the corner.”